Q & A with Robina

QUESTION

Dear Ven. Robina:

Last month I received the opportunity to experience directly the deep suffering of change of one of my biggest attachments, which of course is a man.

As you say in your teachings, the suffering is literally unbearable.

But thanks to your patient and profound teachings I could identify it immediately as this suffering of change and investigate and analyze it directly as it occurred.

Also, I realized that I’m mainly attached to the feeling of joy, peace, and harmony that this person triggers inside me.

On the next deeper level I could not explain why he triggers these wonderful feelings. Do you know what the root causes for feelings are? Why does one person trigger such marvelous feelings? And another person who may be even more “beautiful” or “special” does not trigger these feelings.

I realize too that underneath the attachment is the lack of self-worth, and that I yearn for his approval. 

So how do we learn to become more fulfilled without relying on others? How do we learn to rejoice in our own good qualities? It seems such a necessary practice and it seems that we never do it.

And how to learn from these experiences?

Love and many thanks for your guidance,

G

ANSWER

Dear G,

Well, your analysis of this attachment is most interesting. You are correct.

The intensity of our craving for someone or something equals our own lack of wholeness; attachment is the symptom of a less than whole person. Join the universe!

All these delusions are fabrications, exaggerations – that’s the nature of the neuroses – and they’re extremely painful. They’re the voices of ego.

The immediate cause of why someone appears delicious to us is, indeed, due to the presence of attachment in our own mind, but why some people trigger pleasure in us and others don’t — that’s due to past karma. Clearly, you have some intense history with this person that has manifested as closeness and goodness and much pleasure, which now seems to have ended.

And we all know that things don’t last, some quicker than others. And losing the object of attachment is naturally very very painful.

It’s only really when we’ve realized emptiness, realized our own true nature, that attachment goes. And when attachment is gone, so has anger, jealousy, pride, and the rest.

Yes, you’re so right: a major practice that we overlook completely is rejoicing in our goodness, our virtues, our intelligence, etc. etc. But we need to actively think those thoughts; they don’t arise naturally — certainly, the delusions seem to arise all the time in our mind.

Suffering in its nature is the fruit of past negative actions, but if we’re wise we can learn from it hugely, which you seem to be doing. Which is marvelous.

In terms of our growth as human beings, it’s such a great opportunity to grow quickly, if we have the courage to face it, embrace it.

When we get in touch with our true nature, yes, we discover that it is naturally blissful, joyful, positive. This is encouraging!

Love to you, G, and much rejoicing in your practice!

Robina